Caught in the Middle

I’m finally accepting the fact that I might not be able to put my thoughts into words, after all. So I’m saying goodbye —at least for now, to my 2017 Moral Lesson post hahaha and since there were a lot of things that happened to me since my last life-update (as if someone really checks this page out hahahaha), this will be my Catch-Up post! But! In excessive detail hehe (maybe this will be in divided into parts.. hmmm let’s see)

Okay, so the last update I had here was way back 2016 pa —wow, why do I even bother writing this. And there I mentioned that I have stopped schooling, and was working at Starbucks. Well, today is October 30, 2018 and as of today, well, I am glad to inform each and everyone here that I am back to school (!!!) and that I am no longer a barista, for more than a year now. 

Disclaimer: This is my side of the story. Everything written here are based on my point of view and opinion. If you don’t like it, or are against it…well that’s too bad because this is how I really felt during those times and I can’t be sorry for feeling my own emotions. Okay?

The coffee shop life got too messy. First, my closest friends filed their resignation one after the other. And when they’re no longer under the management, they were finally able to expose the people that I genuinely considered my second family. A lot of mean words were said behind my back, to the point that my life situation that I was trying so hard to recover from, was used against me as if they don’t know my story. Eventually, I dreaded going to work everyday. I suddenly kept my distance and ignored these people as if they were dead to me. I couldn’t help it, I can’t make myself pretend that we’re still okay. I was like this for almost 4 months, and for the longest time, my heart was extremely heavy.

Then enter this guy who brought me so much trouble. He started out as a game, then I realized that it was only with him that I can sleep peacefully. Then he turned into someone who kept my mind up all night until he was someone who I had to sleep through just because I didn’t know how to deal with his entirety. Honestly, he affected me in ways I couldn’t make myself admit.

It was a disaster, my last few months in Starbucks. I could feel my brain hurt every time. I’d use sleep as an excuse to escape all the thinking and living I had to go through; and when I couldn’t sleep anymore, I’d pop myself some pills. No one could drag me out of the bed, not even Carlo when we “got back together.” He’d ask me to go out for some drinks and late night food with him but I’d always rather sleep even though I just woke up from a nap. I also didn’t eat enough.

I remember I called Kaye in the middle of the morning duty, during my first 15 minute break, and I was crying. I was telling her how much I don’t want to work with these people anymore. How much I wanted to quit. I just had the last of it, that day. Later that night, she told me someone she knows is in need of an assistant and I hesitated no second and sent my CV. I went for an interview the following week and I secretly took the job during our Store Meeting. I gave my notice to my favorite manager, Lao, and I sobbed so hard when I told him I’m leaving and why. It really sucked because I honestly love what I was doing, I think it was really cool. Plus, I just got my Coffee Master title some months ago. But I know I wasn’t well anymore and leaving was the only way to save myself.

Giving up the barista life was actually one of the hardest decisions I had to come up with. For the longest time, it was the only thing I had for myself. It saved me from my then crumbling life. I gave everything to this job and was completely honest with who I am to the people I met and worked with. Maybe that’s why when it turned out they weren’t the same, I was instantly in a pit.

—This Is What Happy Looks Like, Jennifer E. Smith

“When teenage movie star Graham Larkin accidentally sends small town girl Ellie O'Neill an email about his pet pig, the two seventeen-year-olds strike up a witty and unforgettable correspondence, discussing everything under the sun, except for their names or backgrounds.

Then Graham finds out that Ellie’s Maine hometown is the perfect location for his latest film, and he decides to take their relationship from online to in-person. But can a star as famous as Graham really start a relationship with an ordinary girl like Ellie? And why does Ellie want to avoid the media’s spotlight at all costs?” — This is What Happy Looks Like by Jennifer E. Smith

Note: I have already written all my pending book “reviews” way before eh, but my notes got corrupted. Stupid iCloud, I dind’t had back up hnnnnnghhh

It was a book I got way back December 2015, my first Christmas in Starbucks, as a gift by my then assistant store manager Marj -Hi Madame Baby! It was the time I figured that books are the best thing to receive esp on giving seasons hehe

I immediately tried reading it the first time I got it but ended up not understanding a thing because I was distracted. With a guy ahahah I still remember our conversation vividly:

G: What are you doing meng?

M: Reading.

G: Which book?

M: This is what Happy Looks Like

G: Meng

G: I am what happy looks like.

And frankly, he was what my happy looks like. At least that time. But he also brought me trouble. A lot of trouble.

After that failed attempt, I tried to read it again after some time, but then, I think, I got caught up with work and other stuff, so for the second time, I wasn’t able to finish it again.

Third time’s a charm, I guess. I tried going back at it thinking that I wouldn’t have so much time the following year since I was expecting to go back to school by January. So I tried my best to focus and finally, I got to know what’s real story behind that little green dress Zer was talking about years ago. Weirdly enough, this book reminds me all the boys I loved before (and I don’t mean the book but the actual people!!!)

Anyway…

I don’t remember that much of the book, really, I just know that it was a little too long to not have a more complicated plot. Of course it was cheesy and it did made my heart flutter a bit. I love how I was able to finish the book the same way Ellie and Graham story ended — at the beach. Though there, they had fireworks and each other, and in my version I was alone but I had solitude and hope. With the sun setting for the first time for the year 2018 and with waves crashing just near my feet as I was seating on the warm white sands plus a really great book on my hands, I finally got a glimpse of what happy looks like, again.

Personal: Quick Thought

Found a down time after work and then suddenly, I’m writing about not writing anymore. 

I was supposed to make an appreciation post for 2017 last February, but we’re almost halfway 2018, and I still haven’t posted anything aside from that Sagada travel post. I’m not sure if I’m too busy with my life to actually have a time to sit down and write something to put here (just like what I’m doing now!!), especially since as per my About, this is a space where I oblige myself to share everything that is me and my life. And it’s not that I don’t have anything going on to share and take account of. At first, I thought that, maybe, I haven’t experienced enough extremes -high or low- recently to take note of. But then I realized, that’s not true. I have had my fair share of extremes especially the past year, mostly low, so why is it I’m not able to write? I guess, you know, all the inspiration in me has drained. Sad.

Although I still do get filled sometimes, and when I do, I try my best to take a hold of the thoughts and put them in my notes or drafted Tweets. But then I always end up forgetting the point I was trying to make. I think this is why I can’t ever make a career out of blogging, or even writing professionally. I find it so hard to keep up with the deadlines that it actually turns something I love and enjoy into something stressful and half-hearted. I’d get super frustrated trying to cram my thoughts during competitions and publications that I usually end up drifting away from the whole thing.

I remember I told someone about how writing, may it be here or in my little black notebook, is a kind of home that I will always go back to. It’s a form of escape. A kind of healing. I just wish I can make more time to reflect with myself, in black and white print.

Anyway, all I wanted was to share the things I have learned from the rollercoaster ride that is the last few years, but I never seem to find the right words that I ended up ranting about it here instead. Maybe it’s the comfort that the heavy rain brings after a very long time of summer heat, that I find myself here again, trying to make sense of the thoughts I have had for so long.

But okay, it’s late. I gotta get home.